Yesterday on our way to dinner, my friend and I discussed what type of year I was having so far. “Do you think you’re having a good year?” I replied no, out of frustration and stubbornness. She smirked (knowing I was being facetious) as she continued to remind of how fortunate I am. I then attempted to explain my frustration with particular areas of my life not changing as fast as I would like them to. The conversation ended with her reminding me that everything that I want to happen will occur in due time.
During our conversation, dating or relationships was never mentioned. However, on the way home I did an internal “year in review” of my dating life. Once I tallied up the number of guys I met, I thought to myself that I wasn’t doing half bad. I’ve done my fair share of approaching men. I’ve gone out on a few dates. And that’s when it hit me: my encounters with these men never went beyond a date (or two), or perhaps even a few text messages. As I pondered why that is, I came up with two answers: 1. Some of these men may have found me to be unforgivably lame or 2. They were lazy.
I will acknowledge that there can be various other scenarios that occurred equating to perceived laziness on my end, but because I haven’t heard from these men I can’t provide a definite answer. Furthermore the lack of consistency in communication, inability to keep dates, and overall lack of concerted effort to get to know me screams laziness. It inadvertently tells me that a man isn’t serious about getting to know me or perhaps wants to put me on “lay-a-way” until he is ready to give more of himself. Either way, I find it quite offensive when men merely just attempt to stay on my radar.
Ain’t nobody got time for that.
Now, please don’t get the idea that I want a guy to chase me or that he has to put in all the work. Absolutely not. Successful dating requires active participation from both parties. I have no problem expressing my interest in a man be it through calling, texting or asking him out on a date. However when I begin to feel like I’m not getting a ROI*, then I will pull the plug . The end result is some men fall off completely and I have no contact with them. They haven’t reached out to me, and nor have I reached out to them. This scenario usually occurs with the dude who is just down right lazy (or finds me lame). For the dude who favors the “lay-a-way” route, he gets put in “friend zone”. Don’t get it twisted, I didn’t put him there. He put himself there with his inability or desire to actively show interest and as a result I quietly decide how much of a role he will have in my life.
So where does this curious case of laziness leave me? With a few guy friends and on the receiving end of random text messages from phone numbers that I don’t recognize. At the end of the day, I only have control over my actions and possible lameness. I try not to invest much energy in wondering what is going on with Mr. Lazy Of The Month because that gets me nowhere. Sometimes that proves to be difficult if I felt as though myself and dude had a nice vibe going and my interest was piqued. But then I quickly remind myself that if a man is conducting himself in a half-assed manner during the beginning stages of dating, (which should be fun, exciting and easy-going) I can’t really expect his behavior to be any different in an actual relationship, especially when disagreements and difficulties occur.
It is what it is.
*Return On Investment
Exposed Bricks 
“…on the receiving end of random text messages from phone numbers that I don’t recognize.”<—This has been my life over the past 2 months. I wonder if this activity increases in the summer? I always thought it was in the cold months…
Haha!!! I think extreme weather (summer and winter) bring out the Randoms.
I’m curious…why do you think men feel like they can just randomly text you out of the blue like it’s completely normal? Do you think it’s an ego thing or something else entirely?
I imagine they are going through their phone thinking “Oh, I haven’t seen her or talked to her in a while, let me just throw this out there and see what happens.” Most of the time I don’t think they truly expect a response. If they really wanted a response, they would call you…and if they didn’t get you, they’d leave a voicemail. Also, the random texts can come in the form of a mass text, and you just happen to be one of many. Again, let me just throw this out there and see what comes back…
its out of caring and love….concern that my long lost friend who I share a deep emotional connection with is some how missing from my life.
… matter fact I’ma send out some random texts tonight
This guy…
That makes a lot of sense. It’s almost like they treat it like a fishing exhibition, huh? That’s wild!
ALL.
OF.
THIS!!!!
I swear we’ve made this dating thing far too easy for men. True story, completely new dude that I know nothing about yet called (after I REFUSED to talk to him any further via text) to ask me on a “date”-his lame, lazy version of a date, that is. This total stranger asked me to come to his hotel (mistake 1 through 3) and we’d hang out in the hot tub and get to know one another. 0_o
And why was he flabbergasted that I laughed and said, “Uh. No.” I explained to him, how inappropriate*** that would be for me on a first date, since we were still two strangers. This is not Love in the Wild or The Bachelorette. You will not be seeing me half naked*** before you even know my name or eye color. No sir. He continued crying and calling me unadventurous and stuff, cause I guess whininess and insults were supposed to make me want to give in? It only solidified my resolve that this was most definitely not the guy for me.
*smh* I was tempted to go on a twitter rant, but went on with my life instead. However, I couldn’t resist after seeing this post today!
*rubs earlobes* Whoooo-saw
***Disclaimer: This may have been a wonderful, creative, fun, and totally appropriate date for someone else. It was inappropriate for me and what I want though. This is not a value judgment on women that prefer to meet men while half clothed. It is just not my idea of a good first date that would lead to an actual, long term, monogamous relationship, which is my particular objective. Do you Boo.
***Additional Disclaimer: Though I’m a big girl and have a LOT of physical faults, I actually think I look resonably fly in my swimsuit so I wasn’t just being insecure, for the record. For a moment I was even a little excited for him to see me in all my gloray, then I remembered Ion’t even know this dude from Tom and I need to slow my fast tail down. Further reason that these types of dates are not a good setting for me to achieve my dating goals.
My friend had the SAME thing happen to her. Her and this guy went out the night before, had a great time. The next day they’re talking about their plans for the day and he says “let’s go to a hotel”. What. The. F*ck. I don’t understand how a guy could be so bold to ask such a thing. She was disappointed b/c they had such a great time the night before, but decided to cut her losses. *deep sigh* This dating business is no joke I kid you not.
I told one dude he was moving too fast, he said it doesn’t matter when I “give it up” if he’s gonna leave, he’s gonna leave whenever. Touche. Then had the nerve to say “But its good to see you’re not on some BS.”
Sir, goodnight and good riddances.
That disappointment is no joke 😦 So hard to meet a dude with potential, I hate when they eff it up. lol, but not really…
They do that BS cause it works every time 60% of the time:
– They insult a chick and call her unadventurous and she tries to “prove” how adventurous she is and they win.
– they suggest a hotel on a second date and the girl doesn’t wanna let go of the potential of the guy from their great first date and they win.
– they tell a girl it doesn’t matter when she “gives it up” if he’s gonna leave, he’s gonna leave whenever. And she goes, no, no, no, don’t leave, that’d be the worst thing ever, here, let me give it up to keep you around and they win.
Crying shame really…
Shame and a scandal!!! Gals gotta learn to see through that trickery.
O_O at this f*ckery and lol @ the disclaimers. you dont need them.
real being real – if you want a relationship – that is NOT FIRST DATE MATERIAL. period. i dont care about the free-spirited, alleged spartan-bad-ass chicks. key words – if you want a relationship. if you want a rebound/hit-quit/sexual fling – go for it. dont be surprised at the results tho.
Girl I just couldn’t handle a debate today on “you was just being scary cause you look like a beached whale in your swimsuit that’s why you wouldn’t have that totally fun date with that totally appropriate guy with your old lame-o self”
I know what’s best for me. And you sir?
those that would’ve come at you – are wannabe ‘bad bitches’ who end up complaining about their state of affairs anyways. (and or don’t read blogs)
He invited you to the hotel to hang in the hot tub?! LOL! What kind of situation did he think that was? He must have thought y’all were role playing or something. Let me guess, he was supposed to be the famous celeb and you were suppose to play the groupie who would do anything for one night with him. These dudes continue to amaze me with the things they say, do and expect from women. It leaves me speechless.
Also the fact that I had to insist on phone calls as opposed to texts about 5 times in our basically one day dalliance made this dude sooo unappealing. #Lazy
This has become my pet peeve,I need to hear your voice, texting only gets you so far. #lazy indeed.
But then I quickly remind myself that if a man is conducting himself in a half-assed manner during the beginning stages of dating, (which should be fun, exciting and easy-going) I can’t really expect his behavior to be any different in an actual relationship, especially when disagreements and difficulties occur.
and there it is. my mama always taught me you start a relationship how you end one. if he’s lazy at the beginning, he’s going to be lazy in the end. and expecting him to change in btwn is not reasonable (altho some men can and do change, but in their own time and way and solely of their own volition).
it took me a long time to stick to my guns about dating lazy men. i always said i wanted a man who put forth some effort but when it came down to the wire i let a lot of sh*t slide for the sake of “well, at least im dating”. and that gets old. and never leads to a fruitful, meaningful, healthy relationship.
once you meet some one who treats you the way you deserve to be treated, and puts in just as much work as you, without you feeling the need to keep track, its a beautiful thing.
Mama be smart. Like you, I’ve given way to many chances or let things “slide”…for no good reason! I’m sooooo past that at this point in my life. I will sit and be content and wait for that somebody that’s not lazy. *files nails*
For the dude who favors the “lay-a-way” route, he gets put in ”friend zone”. Don’t get it twisted, I didn’t put him there. He put himself there with his inability or desire to actively show interest and as a result I quietly decide how much of a role he will have in my life. <—!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*pause and re-loads..
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is the best way to sum up the alleged friend zone. if you didn't want to be there, you could fix it by DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
woosah.
GREAT post!
Thank you boo!!!
wait. do YOU think you are lame?
No. I think I’m pretty dope, lol. However, I can’t rule out the fact that somebody may feel that way. I figure if they approached me (or gave me their number) the physical attraction is there. So if nothing pops all, I guess they weren’t feeling my personality or wasn’t up for the task of getting to know me.
oh good. lol. I was like whaaaat??
not too long ago I had to kindly explain to a guy that he was taking up too much of my time after our first date….it didnt seem like he wanted to go on a 2nd date but he still wanted to text all the time. I was like um, no.
So after ignoring his texts for 2 weeks I finally sent him a text from my sisters phone (I know- so mature, lol) and he was like I totally understand. Like Negro, I know we have unlimited text service but somehow I feel like youre still taking up all of mine AND my time.
Successful dating requires active participation from both parties. I have no problem expressing my interest in a man be it through calling, texting or asking him out on a date. However when I begin to feel like I’m not getting a ROI*, then I will pull the plug . The end result is some men fall off completely and I have no contact with them
^^^^^
This describes my current dating life. I’m not a lazy dater, I don’t expect for him to do all of the work. Reciprocity is a word I wish more people knew the meaning of and put into practice. I get bored fairly easily, so if you’re sporadic in your communication, and I get a random text of ‘hey’ or hello, expect to get hit with the “excuse me, who am I speaking with”. I have let too many things slide in the past in regards to dating and one sided communications. Now I’m more content to sit back and wait to see if you really mean what you say, because your actions reflect that.
Another thing that has become a big pet peeve of mine lately is entire conversations via text. A friend of mine played matchmaker with me and a guy. He has yet to pick up the phone and call, and then wanted to ask me out in the most half assed way possible texting me saying “I might be at this place later if you want to roll through”. Um excuse me? What kind of sh*t is that? Needless to say he has been quickly dismissed. I’m still old fashioned in some regards to dating. Call you up, ask you out etc…what is so wrong with that? I look forward to meeting someone who agrees with my philosophy on love and dating. Give and take, communicate and enjoy each others company.
Great post, La!
I find that men respond like I’m speaking a foreign a language when I send a simple text that says: “call me”…………………….. yes, I actually wanna talk on the phone!
This is a great post and you’re right about the laziness. I can admit that men do this from time to time, and in some cases more often than they should. I’ve even done it a few times myself. In those cases I either wasn’t sure if the woman was that into me or I had other women who were showing more interest and getting more of my time. I know that what I did wasn’t right. In the first case things could have been solved if I would have just clearly communicated with the woman and found out how she was feeling. In the second case I needed to be honest and once again communicate with the woman. I realize the errors of my ways and I’ve been working towards avoiding this type of behavior.
‘Preciate a male comment and the self reflection 🙂
I’m always happy to share. If you have any questions…don’t hesitate to ask.
there’s been TOO much of this going on lately…
Not only is the beginning supposed to be easy going, but it’s also supposed to be the time when you’re putting on your BEST effort trying to get at me.. How you gonna be lazy and we’re in week 1!? #CmonSon
I’m gonna need them to do better…
first off.. where is the music??!!!!
Secondly does anybody see the hypocrisy behind the line “easy going, but you are suppose to put in effort” Those are antonyms. And these voice conversationthat you speak of, sound like a primitive mating ritual. How often are they suppose to happen and for how long?
Easy going doesn’t mean that something doesn’t require some type of effort. My point is this is supposed to be the “fun” part, and well it’s not much fun if you’re not participating. Phone conversations are nice sometimes. I don’t like talking on the phone, so they aren’t a requirement…but it is nice to hear a dude’s voice (with whom I’m getting to know) every once in a while.
“I’ve done my fair share of approaching men”.
Women don’t approach men.You probably meant to say men approach you,right?
Nope, on occasion I do approach men. I can only speak for this woman and not WOMEN.
lazy men make my head hurt. but it’s partially the fault of us women letting them be lazy and accepting it. i’d rather be single than deal with someone who can only give 1/4 effort. and i have done it. lol.
That’s exactly where I’m at!!!!
BTW,I’d e-mailed you asking something.Pretty damn rude to not reply.
Sir, I’m just now checking my email…sheesh
That’s a pretty sexist comment.
sexist against what sex? i’m a woman, i’ve lived it. lol
i know women that let men get away with things, and if they only demanded more, they’d get more. i’ve learned that more often than not, men are pretty simple when it comes to relationships.
@Muze-Relationship is a woman’s domain,so you’re quite right that men are simple in that regard.
But the notion that men get away with a lot is kinda flimsy.Women run relationships and have the upperhand in them(since most men who get into relationships are weak anyway).